When Your Child Is Crying: What to Do Instead of Saying "Stop Crying"

When Your Child Is Crying: What to Do Instead of Saying "Stop Crying"
By Maryellen Mullin, LMFT
Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco and a parenting coach, I often hear from parents who feel overwhelmed when their child starts crying—especially in the middle of a busy moment. I'm also the author of three books, two of which focus on understanding and managing feelings.
If you find yourself wanting to say, “Stop crying,” it’s a sign that you and your child are likely both dysregulated. That’s your cue to pause and co-regulate. In simple terms: slow things down so you can help your child calm down without escalating the situation.
Let’s be honest—it's incredibly hard to stay calm when you're rushed, tired, or juggling other children. But in that moment, try asking yourself:
“What is actually going on here?”
Respond to the need, not the noise.I’ve written about this before, but here’s a quick tool I often share with families: HALT.
Ask yourself (about your child or yourself):

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

If the answer is yes to any of these, reflect it out loud:
"I think you might be hungry. Are you feeling hungry?"
If the crying continues, try this:

• Sit or crouch down beside your child.
• Say gently, “I hear you, and I’m here to help understand.”

Regulate yourself first.To help your child calm down, you need to be regulated. Try self-talk in the moment:
“I can handle this. I can slow it down. I can help my child—we’ll get through it together.”
Take a deep breath. This might only take 20 seconds, but it shifts the energy. Then, at eye level, tell your child:
“I want to understand.”
Hold space safely.Sometimes your child just needs to move through the feeling. In these moments, hold space—but do it safely. This doesn’t mean ignoring them or walking away. It means staying present and modeling how to sit with a hard-to-have feeling.
Let your presence be a supportive intervention:

• Keep an open, calm posture.
• Offer to hold your child or sit beside them—whichever feels most natural and comfortable in the moment.

Your steady presence tells them, “You’re not alone. I’m here with you, even in the hard stuff.”
When it’s over, offer a hug or a gentle connection.
And finally, remind yourself:
Parenting is the hardest job on the planet. Hang in there.
You’ve got this.
Learn more at www.messyparenting.com