<![CDATA[Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection ® - Blog]]>Thu, 12 Feb 2026 12:37:41 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[Supporting Children Through Holiday Overstimulation]]>Fri, 12 Dec 2025 17:06:35 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/supporting-children-through-holiday-overstimulationBy Kelley Taylor
The holidays are exciting—but all the noise, crowds, and changes in routine can overwhelm young nervous systems. Kids rarely say, “I’m overstimulated,” but they show it through irritability, clinginess, trouble listening, bursts of hyperactivity, withdrawal, or meltdowns that seem to appear “out of nowhere.” Noticing these early cues lets you step in before things escalate.
Preventing Overload
You can’t remove all holiday stress, but a few proactive steps help:

  • Keep a flexible version of your usual routine—regular meals, naps, and bedtimes anchor kids.
  • Build short quiet breaks into busy days.
  • Prep your child with simple scripts: “It might be loud. If you need a break, tell me.”
  • Bring comfort items like headphones, snacks, or a favorite book.
  • Avoid overscheduling. One main event per day is often enough.
Handling Meltdowns with Connection
When overload hits, your calm presence matters most.

  • Take a few slow breaths to steady yourself first.
  • Move to a quieter space.
  • Validate their experience: “That was a lot.”
  • Offer grounding—deep breaths together, a firm hug, squeezes, or water.
  • Keep communication simple. Meltdowns are not bad behavior—they’re signals that a child needs help.
Communicating with Family
Not everyone understands sensory needs, and that’s okay. Clear, kind communication helps:

  • Share routines, boundaries, or sensitivities ahead of time.
  • Use simple exit lines: “We’re taking a quick break,” or “She’s done for today.”
  • Protect your child’s autonomy—no forced hugs or participation.
Re-Regulating After a Big Day
Once home, kids may still need support to settle. Helpful resets include:

  • Low-stimulation play
  • A warm bath
  • A walk
  • Cuddles, books, or soft music
  • Returning to your normal bedtime routine
When It’s More Than the HolidaysIf overwhelm happens often, even in everyday settings, it may be worth exploring sensory processing needs, anxiety, or other neurodivergent traits. A therapist can help you understand patterns and create individualized strategies.
Final Thoughts
Holiday overstimulation is incredibly common—and not a sign your child is misbehaving. With a little preparation, compassion, and realistic expectations, you can create celebrations that feel meaningful, enjoyable, and attuned to your child’s needs. Our team is here to support your family during the holidays and throughout the year.
]]><![CDATA[The Gift of “Presence”: Implementing the Four (or Five) Gift Formula]]>Mon, 08 Dec 2025 13:39:07 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/the-gift-of-presence-implementing-the-four-or-five-gift-formulaThe Gift of “Presence”: Implementing the Four (or Five) Gift Formula
By Meghan Lee
As the holiday season starts (earlier and earlier each year), I often find myself thinking about meaningful and considerate gifts for my family and loved ones. All too often, we’re bombarded with consumerism and the pressure to buy the next trending item to show our love.
After too many holidays where I fell victim to the pressure of buying the “must-have” item of the season—only to see it collecting dust in a long-forgotten corner of my child’s bedroom—I finally stopped to focus on quality over quantity. More importantly, I wanted to create core memories with my children rather than appease the need for more material possessions.
One of my favorite Christmas stories is the romantic tale of The Gift of the Magi. This classic story reminds us that things don’t always work out the way we imagine, but that the intention behind a gift is often more meaningful than the gift itself. Wanting to honor that sentiment, we began focusing on fewer gifts with more meaning—gifts that create experiences they’ll never forget, unlike the countless LOL Dolls or LEGO sets left abandoned.
Several years ago, I started using the “Want, Need, Wear, Read” Gift Formula:
Want: Something the recipient desires.
Need: Something practical they require.
Wear: Clothing or accessories.
Read: A book or similar item.
On occasion, we add the “Five Gift Rule” expansion: a fifth category, often “Something to Do” (an experience/activity) or “Something to Give Back” (charity). This last category allows us to encourage experiences or acts of kindness over accumulating more stuff—a way to emphasize connection, generosity, and memory-making.
The “Want, Need, Wear, Read” formula has brought more ease and intention to holiday giving. We feel less overwhelmed by long, expensive lists, and each item is chosen with more care and purpose. This approach has helped us find a balance in our gift-giving and eased some of the stress that often accompanies the season.
Together, these simple guidelines can transform the holiday experience. They help reduce consumerism, teach children gratitude, and bring families back to the heart of the season—thoughtfulness, joy, and meaningful time together. By using this formula, we’ve discovered how to shift the focus from presents to presence, and center our holidays on what truly matters.]]><![CDATA[When Your Child Is Crying: What to Do Instead of Saying "Stop Crying"]]>Thu, 17 Jul 2025 19:44:04 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/when-your-child-is-crying-what-to-do-instead-of-saying-stop-cryingWhen Your Child Is Crying: What to Do Instead of Saying "Stop Crying"
By Maryellen Mullin, LMFT
Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco and a parenting coach, I often hear from parents who feel overwhelmed when their child starts crying—especially in the middle of a busy moment. I'm also the author of three books, two of which focus on understanding and managing feelings.
If you find yourself wanting to say, “Stop crying,” it’s a sign that you and your child are likely both dysregulated. That’s your cue to pause and co-regulate. In simple terms: slow things down so you can help your child calm down without escalating the situation.
Let’s be honest—it's incredibly hard to stay calm when you're rushed, tired, or juggling other children. But in that moment, try asking yourself:
“What is actually going on here?”
Respond to the need, not the noise.I’ve written about this before, but here’s a quick tool I often share with families: HALT.
Ask yourself (about your child or yourself):
  • Hungry
  • Angry
  • Lonely
  • Tired
If the answer is yes to any of these, reflect it out loud:
"I think you might be hungry. Are you feeling hungry?"
If the crying continues, try this:
  • Sit or crouch down beside your child.
  • Say gently, “I hear you, and I’m here to help understand.”
Regulate yourself first.To help your child calm down, you need to be regulated. Try self-talk in the moment:
“I can handle this. I can slow it down. I can help my child—we’ll get through it together.”
Take a deep breath. This might only take 20 seconds, but it shifts the energy. Then, at eye level, tell your child:
“I want to understand.”
Hold space safely.Sometimes your child just needs to move through the feeling. In these moments, hold space—but do it safely. This doesn’t mean ignoring them or walking away. It means staying present and modeling how to sit with a hard-to-have feeling.
Let your presence be a supportive intervention:
  • Keep an open, calm posture.
  • Offer to hold your child or sit beside them—whichever feels most natural and comfortable in the moment.
Your steady presence tells them, “You’re not alone. I’m here with you, even in the hard stuff.”
When it’s over, offer a hug or a gentle connection.
And finally, remind yourself:
Parenting is the hardest job on the planet. Hang in there.
You’ve got this.
Learn more at www.messyparenting.com]]><![CDATA[SIX Ways Parents Can Support Children's Social-Emotional Learning (SEL)!]]>Wed, 05 Jul 2023 15:03:35 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/six-ways-parents-can-support-childrens-social-emotional-learning-selParents are their children's first teachers, supporting children in developing self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making skills needed to succeed in school, work, and life. These five skills make up Social-Emotional Learning (SEL).

Parents can teach SEL using many methods. Why do parents need to learn how to be intentional in teaching these skills? The answers may surprise you!

Children who learn self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making skills are more able to:
​
  • Understand and manage their emotions. This includes being able to identify their emotions, express them in a healthy way, and cope with difficult emotions and be empathetic.
  • Build positive relationships. This includes being able to make friends, resolve conflicts, and cooperate with others.
  • Make responsible decisions. This includes being able to weigh the pros and cons of different choices, and make choices that are in their best interest.
  • Be successful in school and work. SEL skills can help children succeed in school by improving their attendance, grades, and behavior. They can also help children succeed in work by improving their communication, teamwork, and problem-solving skills.
  • Be healthy and happy. SEL skills can help children develop a positive self-image, cope with stress, and make healthy choices.

While there are many ways to help children develop SEL skills, here are SIX ways you as a parent or caring adult can make a difference! 
​
  1. MODEL SEL skills. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. If you want your child to develop SEL skills, it's important to model those skills yourself. 
  2. TALK to and EMPATHIZE with your child's emotions. Help your child understand what different emotions feel like, and how to express them in a healthy way.
  3. HELP your child build positive relationships. Encourage your child to make friends, provide opportunities for playdates and help them resolve conflicts peacefully.
  4. GIVE your child opportunities to make independent decisions. Start by giving your child small choices, and gradually give them more responsibility as they get older.
  5. PRAISE your child's SEL skills. When your child shows SEL skills, be sure to praise them. This will help them feel good about themselves and encourage them to continue using those skills.
  6. READ TOGETHER! Use stories to demonstrate through characters, how to connect, identify feelings and illustrate decisions and values. 

SEL is an important part of a child's development. By helping children develop SEL skills, we can give them the tools they need to succeed in school, work, and life.

Maryellen P. Mullin, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,  author of two NEW children's books, specifically written to support parents and caring adults teach SEL skills with children.

You can find her books with theses links below:
Puppy and Kitten Find a Family
Madigan and Menina Find Their "Furever" Famil
]]><![CDATA[Addicted to Stuff: Helping Kids Learn to Let Go]]>Tue, 01 Aug 2017 00:04:19 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/addicted-to-stuff-helping-kids-learn-to-let-goPicture
Published by Psyched Magazine: By Maryellen Mullin | June 13, 2017

For four years in college and four years after, everything I owned fit into a small space. Because I moved yearly, I lived simply. If I was tired of schlepping something between apartments, it was discarded. Like most people, once I stopped moving and settled in one place, I began to accumulate. Balancing my decisions of what to hold onto and a need for simplicity has been part of an ongoing process of sorting and letting go.
What’s the emotional tie between you and your stuff? For many, it is an existential dilemma. To be or not to be: A saver, a nostalgic preserver, a frugal spender, a frequent donor to Goodwill.

As a therapist, I have observed that both children and adults find letting go of their “stuff” challenging. This is one reason why clients seek help. Anxiety is a common obstacle in the quest to let go; and for many, emotional healing needs to happen first.

​While a majority of children can let go of outgrown toys, clothes and books in a way that’s appropriate to their developmental stage; for some, anxiety makes it a bigger challenge. These kids need adult support in letting go.
​
How do you parent a kid who accumulates? To read more, click here: 
http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/addicted-stuff-helping-kids-learn-let-go/
​
]]><![CDATA[“Parent Power Struggles Away: Respond to the issue, not to the dialogue.”]]>Mon, 31 Jul 2017 23:58:27 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/parent-power-struggles-away-respond-to-the-issue-not-to-the-dialoguePicture
By Maryellen P. Mullin, LMFT

Power struggles with kids are a losing battle. Want to make it a win-win for you and your kid?


​Parents tend to focus on responding to the words going on in a power struggle, not to the actual issue. Everyone can relate to falling into the trap of getting caught up in a dialogue that has nothing to do with an underlying issue.

I coach parents to “Respond to the issue, not to the dialogue,” whenever they sense a power struggle is about to ensue with a child or teen.

Most parents can relate to the following scenarios. The reluctant child refuses to get ready for bed.  The whining child in the grocery store pleads for a box of sugary cereal. The teen wants to use the car, but won’t get off a smart phone and come to the dinner table. The child or teen attempts to coerce, badger or butter up the parent, so that the parent will give in to their request.

Parental reactions to these challenges vary, but in general, many parents feel their frustration level or other negative emotions rise. Sometimes your parental response may spark additional retorts from your kid, escalating the situation into a fast-burning and raging power struggle.

What can you do to change the cycle? A primary goal in family therapy is to help families improve communication.

A simple piece of advice: Do not respond to the dialogue; respond to the issue.  When I was growing up, my mom taught me the acronym HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, tired. We are all bound to behave differently (and sometimes negatively) if we are experiencing hunger, anger, loneliness or fatigue. Our behavior changes and is reflected in our communication with self and others.

For example, the child says, “I don’t want to go to bed.” The parent can think, “What is the issue?” Some children are just tired and give refusals when they are tired. Some children may feel lonely in the evening, as their time with a beloved parent is ending for the day.

So, to keep the calm and resist the power struggle, follow these simple steps.

What is the dialogue vs. the issue? For example, your child protests, “I don’t want to go to bed.” Catch yourself, take a moment and allow yourself to think. This dialogue is about bed, but that is not the issue. 

Reduce your own tension. Breath deeply and pause before you respond. Think HALT. Where is your child physically or emotionally right now? Observe with curiosity. There is no urgency in responding right away. Slow yourself down.
 
Coach with reflective listening. Say calmly, “Ok, you don’t want to go to bed. ” Then connect to the emotion and the issue. Say kindly to your child, “It’s hard when you are so tired. I understand.  It’s okay that you are tired; sleep will help you feel better.” Reflective listening can help move many difficult parenting moments forward. When children feel heard, they feel validated. Reflective listening is a way to validate their emotional experience.

Practice these new skills. Your child says, “I want the pink marshmallow cereal.” The dialogue is about pink marshmallows, but is that the issue? Your response might be, “Oh, you want pink marshmallow cereal?” Your kid nods. Then ask, with curiosity, “Are you hungry?” Your child may say no, just that they like pink. The response may be yes, that he is hungry. You can relate to both of those ideas.

Your teen wants the car. Perhaps you say, “Tell me more about your plans.” Invite a conversation before you respond in the negative, or before you set boundaries regarding use of the car.
If your child is fussing or your teen talks with contempt, you can assume a neutral tone and repeat what the issue is for them. Stay calm. Remind yourself that their cranky behavior is fueled by feelings. A child's or teen’s cranky behavior does not equate with total disrespect for you as a person or parent.

It’s not about you; so don’t make it about you with an initial negative reaction. Regardless of how you respond, first think about the actual issue and reflect it to your child or teen, thereby validating them. Relate to your child or teen:
 “Yes, pink makes the marshmallows look fun. I know how much you like marshmallows when we camp.”
“Hey, I know you want the car, but if there is drinking involved at the party, no car.”

This will help you keep your cool. Move your child/teen forward by moving beyond their words or behavior. Take the time to go deeper, to understand what the child is really trying to say.

Remember, responding to the issue and using reflective listening takes practice. It may not work initially, but if you can stick to the issue, acknowledge your kid’s feelings and move forward, messy moments may not always turn into the dreaded power struggle.
​​
]]><![CDATA[July 18, 2017 by Safe Smart Social Team Growing Up Digital: Parent Tips for You and Your Kid]]>Mon, 31 Jul 2017 23:57:15 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/july-18-2017-by-safe-smart-social-team-growing-up-digital-parent-tips-for-you-and-your-kidWe sat down with Maryellen P. Mullin, Founder of San Francisco Family Therapy and Messy Parenting: Progress Not Perfection, who has a demonstrated history of working in the mental health care industry, to talk about raising kids in the digital age. Below are her top 5 parent tips to keep kids safe and smart.
​
To watch the webinar, click here: https://safesmartsocial.com/parent-tips/

1. Be Curious
So, how many parents actually know the ins and outs of smartphones, secret apps and social media sites? Not many. How many parents know when and how kids go online? And, where do your kids go when they are online? If you dropped them off at a mall, you’d have a basic idea of what is in the mall. It’s no difference with going online…except you would never knowingly drop your kids off at a sex club. So, be the student – be willing to learn and put in some time to understand the world your kids experience.

2. Eat Dinner Together
Watch family screen habits. Watch your habits with television/screens, time devoted to work or other things that absorb time that could be spent to connect with each other at home. Make sure you model “together time.” The easiest way – sit down for a meal, without any distractions.
Invest in spending time with your kid and engage them in the meal process, which includes conversation, even it if is only a few times a week.

3. Be the Driver
Want to know what is really going on with your kids? Put them in the backseat and offer to drive…drive to practice, drive your kid with her/his friends and provide pick ups. Always offer when you can…be the parent that drives…and listen.
Listen and don’t intrude, even when you want to ask a question. Later, when your kid is not with peers, gently ask about something then or bring it up in a neutral way. Earn their trust by not passing judgement, but reflecting what you hear and asking how they feel about it. “I wonder how you felt when your friend said xxx.”

4. Parent in a “pack,” with a “pact”
Stick together with other parents. Find at least one, if not more, parents who support staying in touch, talking, driving each others’ kids and who also set reasonable limits. I know of a few parents who in middle school made a pact, an agreement, with each other to support the kids together. These kids, now in high school, benefit from parents who wanted them to gain more independence, with support and limits.
For example: they will not drop off the kids at a party if the situation is questionable. They will text the parent group when they do the drop off or pick up.
If one parent can’t reach their kid, they text the parent of a kid in the group. That parent texts their kid to get the friend to call home.
They share information with each other – and they don’t use it against their kids. They ask when friends are having problems; they listen to the kids who come for dinner. They all give rides. They stay in the background, supporting the growth of increased independence by providing a safety net of adult background support…so it’s there when needed.

​5. Use tech together. 
Talk. Plan. Don’t expect a kid without self-control to manage screen usage on his or her own yet…you wouldn’t hand a kid 10 candy bars and say, “Eat just one,” would you?
Learn tech, talk about it, observe it in play and use it together. Talk with your kids and let others talk for you. Guess what, the parents I see who are NOT struggling, all have one thing in common: they talk to their kids, and they hold fast to a plan, enforcing agreed upon and reasonable rules about devices use in the home. You can, too!]]><![CDATA[Is Your Kid “Looping” On a Negative Thought? by Maryellen Mullin published by Psyched Magazine]]>Wed, 08 Mar 2017 17:16:13 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/is-your-kid-looping-on-a-negative-thought-by-maryellen-mullin-published-by-psyched-magazine
By Maryellen Mullin | March 8, 2017

As a family therapist, I often hear parents complain of a child who cannot move beyond an interaction, incident or situation, even when it has been addressed. In fact, the parent may have already listened, empathized with the emotion, and talked the issue out.
An apology happened.
Reassurance was provided.
However, the child just cannot  let it go, looping round and round, like a hula-hoop stuck in motion. This is a typical situation for children as they navigate how to manage anxiety in relationships and situations.

To read more: http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/kid-looping-negative-thought/

]]><![CDATA[Convey Hope for Children in Challenging Political Times by Maryellen Mullin published by Psyched Magazine]]>Wed, 08 Mar 2017 17:14:38 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/convey-hope-for-children-in-challenging-political-times-by-maryellen-mullin-published-by-psyched-magazine
By Maryellen Mullin | March 1, 2017

As parents and those who work with or care for children, we can agree that children should not be exposed to all adult conversations. Most adults try not to swear in front of kids or discuss parenting topics that could alarm or cause misunderstanding. The developing brain is not cognitively mature. Therefore, kids cannot understand and comprehend certain experiences and information the way adults do, with mature brains. Having “developmentally appropriate” conversations with kids is very important, especially when it comes to scary events.

To read more: http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/convey-hope-children-challenging-political-times/

]]><![CDATA[Screens and Self-Control by Maryellen Mullin, published in Psyched in SF Magazine]]>Wed, 09 Nov 2016 15:39:29 GMThttps://www.messyparenting.com/blog/screens-and-self-control-by-maryellen-mullin-published-in-psyched-in-sf-magazineModern society struggles with self-control around the use of devices and technology. At home, if you parent, these struggles intensify as adults and kids react with irritability, anger and hostility when interrupted on a device, or told to turn off a device to do homework, get dinner made or get to bed.
“It’s like my kid is a drug addict,” says one parent. “The more she consumes technology, the harder it is to get her to turn it off.”
An adolescent commented, “My dad says not to text and drive, but that’s what he does driving me to school in the morning.”

To read the full article click here: http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/screens-self-control/

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